Musings on my Beloved Phantom

· Creativity

Anyone who knows me well will know that I have loved a girl since she first came into my life when I was a youth. She was so intriguing. So perfect. So wonderful. Yet I saw her only in dreams…

She is much of the reason I am the man I am today. I had always believed I would someday meet her, and I committed to becoming a man worthy of her when that time came. I remained committed to her despite everything. I turned away more real girls than I can remember in favor of her. I lived by the belief that I would rather spend my life searching for her with the hope of finding her rather than to marry another and lose hope of ever finding her and making her mine. She was a fire inside me that burned as strongly and as steadily as my youth…

I’m no longer a young man. The fire is dying down inside me. I have learned and experienced many things, and several times I’ve thought I’d found this phantom girl in some of the real girls in my life. Now, my reasoning has begun to impose upon my romantic ideas of youth – Is she real, or is she something I just made up in my own mind? I have tried to force her from my mind in many ways, trying to free myself from her. Sometimes, I’ll succeed for a time. But then she returns to me. What if she’s real? What if I meet her tomorrow? What if I never meet her? Should I still turn the real girls in my life away because of her?

Doubts of her are certainly not new to me. But I have always come to the realization that I was attempting to compromise because of my weaknesses. Now, my mind is changing. Am I truly compromising, or am I finally awakening from a childish dream? Should I finally lay her to rest so that I might move on to marry and share the remainder of my life with a real girl who can love me, who can talk with me, who can touch me? Oh, for simply a real hand to hold…

I find myself thinking of her less and less in favor of the girls in my life. Perhaps one day she will finally vanish because she was never real. Or perhaps one day my weakness will compromise me to marry, only later to find that she was real all along.

Alas, I find that as far as I’ve come, as much as I’ve learned and experienced, she still has me bewitched.

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