Love, relationships, family. Here lately, it seems like everyone is getting girlfriends/boyfriends, getting engaged, getting married, having babies. Yesterday, I watched as dozens and dozens of my friends and family posted photos of themselves with their loved ones on social media. I am truly happy for them. Many of them have beautiful families, and I certainly do not wish to diminish that in any way. But sometimes, it’s hard being the last of my friends and family to be single.
I’ve wanted a family of my own since I was a teenager. I used to think about having a wife, learning to nurture and care for her. I used to imagine my children with her, thinking about baby names and how I would teach my children the things I’ve learned. Then years went by. Then more years. Then it began to seem so unfair that everyone around me got to enjoy the only thing in life I ever really wanted. I felt torn as part of me rejoiced with them and part of me resented them.
Then one day, a thought came to my mind: What if it actually was me in their place? What if I had their girlfriends? Their wives? Their children? Their homes? I thought on that for a long time before I came to the realization that I really wouldn’t want what they have. I don’t want theirs. I want mine – that which God has destined for me from the beginning. Though the things I see around me may initially seem to be what I want, I know now that’s not what I’m searching for. It’s not what I’ve waited for. It’s not what I really want.
I am unique. The woman I’m searching for is unique. Our relationship and the home and family we build together will be unique. That’s what I really want. I’ll never be the average Christian American male who has a nice house in a neighborhood of nice houses. I’ll never be the one who has the buddies over to watch Sunday evening football while the women and children play Scrabble in the kitchen. I’ll never be the one who comes home, loosens my tie, yells, ‘Honey, I’m home!’ and vegges out in front of the TV. Neither do I wish to be. That isn’t me.
Patience – That word keeps resonating in my ears. I hear it in my head. I hear it in the wind. I hear it in my dreams. Patience. Those around me do not have that which I seek. They may have exactly what they themselves want, and I truly hope that is the case for them. But I want what is mine. I’m searching for what is mine. And one day, one beautiful day, I’ll have what is mine. And on that day, I will remember all the times I’ve spent alone, all the tears I’ve cried in the darkness. And I’ll cherish every moment God blesses me with what is mine. I’ll cherish it more than life itself.