Earlier today, a girl asked this question on a singles forum, and I decided it would make a good topic for an article.
The truth is, it’s a bit of an ironic question. Girls, just like everyone, are unique individuals with a unique blend of qualities that make each one special. That’s sort of the ‘default’ mode.
So why this question? Why would a girl who is already unique and special ask how to be unique and special? And why would so many other girls echo her question? As I see it, there are two possibilities. Let’s explore them.
She’s unique but doesn’t stand out. In other words, she’s unique and special, but she’s lost in an ocean of other unique and special girls who are too shy, subdued, etc to present themselves. She’s a wallflower.
As a guy who has actively pursued women for many years, I can say that this is a huge issue except in very isolated areas and subcultures. Men are limited, and just time itself will limit the number of women a man will notice during his single-and-searching years.
The answer to this? She should learn to present herself to her man of interest. No, she doesn’t need to actively pursue him. She doesn’t need to walk up to him and ask him out on a date. She simply needs to show him that she likes him. Relationship surveys are finding that the key factor in whether or not a man will approach a woman he finds attractive has little to do with anything except whether or not she has indicated to him that his approach is welcome and wanted.
I can personally attest to that fact. If a girl refuses to make eye contact with me, if she shows closed body language, if she refuses to talk to me, or anything that indicates I’m not welcome, I’ll search elsewhere. For a guy, especially an older one, being seen as a creep is very similar to a woman being seen as a slut.
Of course, women may respond, ‘Am I not worth the effort?’ To be blunt, no, you’re not. That’s not to say you’re not a valuable person. It’s to say that, to me, you’re not a valuable person yet. For a man to value a woman, he has to see and know her. If he first sees her value, he may decide that she’s worth fighting for. But when a woman immediately throws up a wall, shuts him out, and plays hard to get, it’s like walking up to a brick wall with no clue what’s on the other side and no clue if it’s worth the effort it will take to break down that wall. She could be a vault of gems, or she could be a tomb full of bones. She needs to establish her worth to him.
And so the gist of it is this: If a woman would learn to present herself even just a little, she’d find herself head and shoulders above the crowd.
But what would people say if I presented myself like that and stood out? Thus, the second and most ironic possibility – conformation. Girls are taught from childhood that they must conform to certain standards to be respectable ladies. Whether in society at large or in subcultures, churches, groups of friends, or whatever, all girls are expected to conform to some sort of standard.
So is it any wonder that one of the challenges facing women today is getting men to notice them? Even though girls begin life each with a beautifully unique personality and character, they actively and systematically subdue that uniqueness in favor of a conformational standard – and for what?
Those who have read my articles over the years may remember that I have pretty much zero respect for sorority girls, and this is a large part of the reason. ‘Sisters’ must wear certain clothes, date (or sleep with) certain guys, shop at certain stores, etc, etc (think Mean Girls) in order to be cool or acceptable. And in doing so, they strip themselves of every ounce of individual beauty they possess. They reduce themselves to being little uniform plastic dolls sitting on a shelf over a price tag, no one different from the other.
On the other hand, I am very much attracted to girls who do not conform. That means rebels, eccentrics, nerds, and goths are far more likely to get a date invitation from me than a more conformed girl. These are the girls who don’t say things like, ‘Should I send this text to him?’ or, ‘Is this skirt too short?’ or, ‘What will my friends think if I do this?’ They think and dream for themselves.
And so in either case, the answer to the question here is to be yourself. Be yourself in spite of insecurities and anxieties. Be yourself in spite of social pressures. Just be yourself. That’s the only quality you need to make you different from the rest.